Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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