Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
