I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
