I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
