So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
