weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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