I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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