i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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