Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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