I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
