You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
