Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
