I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
