having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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