I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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