I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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