dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
