No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
