Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
