that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
