I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
