ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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