Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
