I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
