my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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