from now on my penis is your penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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