haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
