I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You did what with his pubic hair?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
