I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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