so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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