someone threw a dead crab at me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
