I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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