He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
