im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
