So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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