I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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