I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize