some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
