I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
