i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
