If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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