Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
