Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
