If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
