I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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