Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
