My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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