your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
