now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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