It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
