im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
