I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
