My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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