the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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