Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
