I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
