the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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