we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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