wrigley field is MILF paradise
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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