I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
